In 2008, I started to come to terms with some fascinating principles at play in reality.
Long story short, mind expansion was happening. I was observing reality from a higher and more strategic perspective than before.
I was also massively confused about various bits of esoteric information that were getting tangled up in my brain’s underwear. Some of it was way off base, but some was right on target.
I was learning about my secret superpowers as a human being.
That’s right, I’ve got powers. So do you.
So did, well, Charles Manson.
It’s not like the X-MEN, where our powers would be diverse and inherently convenient for battle.
We all have the same superpower. And it’s actually cooler than X-MEN, because your superpower can and does fill your life with whatever you think about.
As Mike Dooley from TUT.COM has been known to say: “Thoughts become things.”
Whatever you are thinking about right now will manifest in your life physically in one way or another. If you’re thinking about whimsical things, you’ll attract whimsy. If you’re being pessimistic, you’ll attract pests.
Obviously, some people reading this aren’t going to agree. That’s all well and good.
For the sake of the narrative here, all you need to know is that these things are what I believe.
And in 2008, I was discovering it first hand, once and for all.
And it all put me on a bit of a power trip.
Imagine that you just found out that you can do whatever you want with your life. No limits. You have unlimited creative oversight of your existence.
That’s how I felt in 2008, and I abused the power.
What comes next is one of the most ill-fated sexual experiences of my life, and we didn’t even have sex.
I met a girl. Arial. Swoon. She was a pretty one. And her brain deeply interested me.
I didn’t really have any devious ideas right away. She had a boyfriend. Arial and I were alone once and I said, “Don’t worry, I can control myself.”
She replied with, “Well, what if I can’t?”
Look. I know it’s not permission, OK? Consent culture of 2018 has educated and re-educated me on communicating about consent.
But ten years ago, in 2008, when I was 26? I took it as an invitation to entertain the possibility of having sex.
We were both into New Age stuff. I spent copious amounts of time at New Age bookstores back then. We had similar views about Oneness and higher dimensions.
So, I had this idea. Ariel and I would go to the 13th dimension and conceive a child together. That child would be a totally radical peaceful warrior of light, dude. Our baby was definitely gonna smell like sage.
Ariel didn’t know my intentions for the evening, except that we were going to have a spiritual ceremony.
I promise you, I was going to fully explain my idea to her, and then if she was not down with it, we would have played Parappa the Rapper or some shit.
But an unforeseen difficulty arose. Her boyfriend insisted on coming to the ceremony too. This complicated things.
Oh, and for us to successfully conceive the destined child, our sexual position had to be reverse cowgirl, because I saw it in a movie around that time and it looked amazing.
So her boyfriend. Let’s call him Steve. The three of us were sitting in a triangle in my room.
I gave a vague overview of the agenda. We were going to do a ceremony to bring light and harmony into the world. Then, I sneaked Ariel aside and showed her a picture on my phone of two people doing it in reverse cowgirl position.
I whispered, “Do you understand?”
She nodded in the affirmative.
Then we went back to Steve. Things got really funny.
We sang some songs, and channeled some passed rock stars like Jim Morrison and Elvis.
Arial painted some symbols on the pages of my Bible, because she felt called to do so.
Then, we all got the idea together to burn the Bible.
To anyone reading this who loves the Bible, I am sorry.
I do not condone Bible burning.
But in 2008 in hopes of going at it reverse cowgirl style in the 13th dimension, by golly I burned that Bible.
I think I burned two Bibles.
And nearly burned the house down. It was exciting. Glad Steve was there to put the fire out. He was our wet towel.
So in my mind somewhere, I was like, “OK, the three of us are going to go to the 13th dimension, and then we’ll ditch Steve and go do our thing.”
A bit after I nearly burning down the house, Steve insisted that they leave.
I was like, “Noooooooooooo.”
To make matters worse, I was their ride. So I had to give them a ride across town.
It was an awkward car ride, where we were all just trying to pretend that something mystical had actually happened.
“Don’t you remember? Like, the bats outside the gates?”
“Oh yeah, then the demons chased us.”
“I don’t think there are demons in the 13th dimension, you guys.”
Arial and I never had sex. We probably never saw each other again after that. Back then, I didn’t understand why. Because I was blinder than the bats outside the gates.
But that whole situation, it’s a peek into a world that I think some people get cozy within.
A world where they are charismatic and charming and in control of their own destinies, so they exploit others for their own pleasure.
Did I really want to bring a child of light into the world?
Or did I want to get laid by a beautiful girl?
Well, a little of both.
But mostly the second one.
I was drunk on manifestation.
You hear of this with yoga instructors sexing up their students. Or just people in general, who have figured out how the law of attraction actually works, and they use it for their own selfish gains.
Except exploiting the law of attraction doesn’t truly work in the long run. Because if you carry around an energy of exploitation, then you yourself will attract exploitation from others.
So, those horny yoga teachers will get what’s coming to them.
Just saying, I can understand how someone would go down that path. Because I took a few steps down it myself.
Thankfully, there was a handy Steve around to keep me from getting into too much trouble.
2008 was a year that left me with zero friends, a growing criminal record, and depression the size of Texas.
It’s probably not hard to see why.
Like those horny yoga teachers will, I ended up getting what I gave.
Now it’s 2018 and I still have not tried reverse cowgirl. Someday…
Also published on Medium.