Operation: remove head from ass

My life is unacceptable the way it is, and that’s a good thing.

Accepting it turns it into purgatory.

A timeless waiting room of stagnation, gluttony, and strife.

Of missed opportunities, isolation, and self-destruction.

I was gifted with a conversation last night, with someone who was expressing their thoughts on twin flames.

An online conversation, of course, because that’s how 95% of my discourse goes down these days. Because I’m a shut-in.

So anyway, we were conversing about twin flames.

The only person I’ve ever thought to be my twin flame won’t talk to me anymore. It’s been two years since she’s said a word to me.

I brought that up in the conversation. The person I was talking to replied in a pretty awesome way.

Pretty much:

“Love yourself as much as you love her. Since you’re both one, loving yourself is loving her.”

Personally, I’m of the persuasion that we’re all One.

Like you, me, your cat, and well, all matter in all sectors of existence.

Why do I think that?

Because I’ve experienced it.

It was a trip.

So what I do to show love to myself, in a way is like loving the whole.

And everything I do that’s destructive is destructive to the whole.

This is a concept I first consciously encountered when studying Buddhism in 2006 or so.

And it makes sense from a variety of other lenses as well.

Pantheism, quantum physics, and experiences people have on psychedelics all do more to explain one another than contradict.

And honestly, you can see the relationship between how you treat yourself and how your treatment of yourself impacts others, simply by paying attention.

On the most obvious level, people who know you are impacted by the quality of your interactions.

On other levels, social media gives us a fascinating glimpse into the lives and patterns of the people we’ve established bonds with all over the world.

Become a scientist and study these patterns, and you’ll notice undeniable trends between people that don’t on the surface seem to have anything to do with each other.

Because we’re all connected through a series of pulleys and gears. What we do affects each other. Because we’re all a part of the same organism that we call collective existence.

That’s the way I choose to look at the world anyway. Because like I’ve said, I have experienced it. And because it helps me be compassionate towards others. It gives me a reason to empathize with others and conspire for their greatness. It gives me a mechanism to not only love my enemies, but realize on every level that I have no enemies.

All this said, I have a confession to make.

For most of the past three years, I haven’t been loving myself at all.

I’ve been attached to the idea of loving others.

But forgot that to truly love others in the way that they deserve, I need to start with myself.

In my eyes, you’re all my twin flames.

And you all deserve for me to love myself like my life depends on it. Like all our lives depend on it.

It seems like it’s going to be quite a challenge.

Because the truth is, self-love feels so non-intuitive for me right now.

I feel ugly on the inside and out.

I feel like a failure. A disappointment. An anomaly.

My life makes almost no sense right now.

It’s all too easy to get stuck in a cycle of feeling sorry for myself.

And hope circles around the drain and flushes away.

My mistakes build up, and I mock myself for all my ideals and ambitions that I have come to feel completely inadequate to manifest.

Out of alignment with many of my values, which has led to guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

And I get angry towards others for their lack of contentiousness, in typical vegan fashion.

I’m in a trap.

And I’ve fallen so far, it seems daunting to climb out of it.

It seems like too much needs to change at once for me to stand a chance.

With so many unknown variables.

Which is why I am thankful.

For my friend.

Reminding me to love myself.

Hey, I’ve been in love with myself before.

There is a neural network in my noggin already associated with that.

So, time to dust it off.

To look in the mirror, connect with myself in my own eyes, and say, “I fucking love you.”

And to repeat it over and over, as many times as it takes.

Until a little candle lights in my heart.

And I feel it, I mean it.

And then I’ll take that little candle and let it shine.

And I’ll let it guide me.

Guide me where?

I don’t know.

One step at a time.

I’m tired of being tired of being alive.

Tired of being afraid.

Tired of being worried.

Tired of being angry.

Tired of feeling alone and disconnected.

I need a new era.

An era in a new dimension of existence, light years away from this pain and depression.

It obviously has to start in my own heart.

In my own radius.

It’s difficult.

I almost don’t even want to love myself.

It’s funny.

I want to love people that western culture refers to as terrorists, but I don’t want to love myself.

I am not sure why this is.

Maybe it’s some inner belief that I am not worthy of love. Which, I swear I’ve transcended that noise in the past. But it’s back like a Saw sequel. Bigger, gorier, and more contrived than ever.

At least I’ve got a goal.

That’s something.

I encourage you reading this to work on self-love with me.

Through the ether, we can all help each other. Those pulleys and gears and whatnot.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself you fucking love yourself today.

If you don’t like the eff word, say it extra loud.

It’s just a word.

It only gets the power that you give it.

Your love for yourself only gets the power that you give it too.

Let’s get powerful.

If you’re already there, already feeling the power, already living the self-love, then please consider putting out some thoughts, energy, or prayers for me and others who are struggling with this right now.

Thank you, and namaste.

Also published on Medium.