Confessions to Myself (A Love Letter)

I have a confession to make (to myself).

Dear Self: I used to not believe in you. I wanted to. I did not even realize my own lack of belief. I thought I believed.

But now I look back and realize, I sold you way too short back then.

Back then? When? Well, most of your life.

Now, I analyze everything you’ve ever been. I see the perfection and strength that’s been inherent in you all along.

The reason I did not believe in you before is pretty ridiculous. The reason was, that the people in the world around you didn’t see how amazing you were. Some of them did, but mostly, the world around you ignored your ambitions. They didn’t buy your records, or even listen to them for free. They didn’t see the potential in your writing, or at least very few did. Maybe more did too, but they didn’t say anything.

The world didn’t celebrate you the way you deserved. The world didn’t see you for the incredible bad ass that you were. People got hung up on what they didn’t agree with about you, and focused on those things. The drugs, the stigma, the lack of money, the shifty employment history.

We took a lot of their criticisms to heart, didn’t we? Even more than that, we took their indifference to heart. We took their selfishness as a personal attack. We took their inability to see us for what we were as a degradation of our confidence and capacity.

We just wanted people to like us.

But we didn’t want to be fake to make that happen.

And that’s the best part of this, Andrew L. Hicks: Your refusal to be fake and your commitment to openness and authenticity makes you a legend to me.

And now, I realize what I wish I’d known all along: You have every right to be confident. You have every right to love yourself. You have every right to be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Be proud of standing your ground when no one else believed in you. Be proud of how tough and resilient you are.

The era of you folding to the opinions others have about you is history.

You know who you are and what you’re capable of. And that’s why nothing can stop you.

I fucking love you, Drew. And I will never cut you off from my love and faith again. Everything you have ever hurt for now comprises the fortitude of your soul. You are protected, looked out for, and adored. I’ve got your back, and so do many others. So does everyone (even the ones who don’t know it yet).

Namaste, brother.
Sincerely,
Self

lol

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Also published on Medium.

  • Love

    The only real love is unconditional love, which means one must not earn the love based on a condition of worth, value or merit. I’m curious as to why it seems so important to you that the world, “celebrate you?” Can you feel love without being celebrated? Is it possible for this piece to still ring true if you replace the word, “amazing” with the word “average?” The word “bad ass” with “failure?” The word “Rock Star” (from the prior post) with the word “addict?” For all these words are merely labels which you appear to be more than a single one. True love, unconditional love, for self or others, does not require one to be worthy of that love or celebrated with labels such as “amazing, bad ass, or rock star.” Unconditional love says, “I love you because you exist. Period.

    • Well…

      In this particular post, there is a progression. There is a, “Years ago, I didn’t love you since the world didn’t celebrate you. Now I love you no matter what.”

      And I mean… I am not going to buy into the notion that there is anything flawed in looking back on my past and seeing a light and power in me that I didn’t see at the time.

      That’s really all there is to this post.

      You seem to want to take me down a peg. I am not sure why else you would write this.

      But I don’t believe in “average” and I don’t believe in “addicts” or “failures.” Those words only carry the power of the paradigm from which those concepts were formed. I believe that every life-form is overflowing with infinite potentiality to burst through any barrier of self-limiting belief, and to me that is amazing. To me, that’s what it means to exist. To me, that’s why we’re all rock stars. Including you.

      • Love

        I’m saddened that your interpretation is “to take you down a notch” when if anything, it is to raise you up to a place where self love isn’t conditional upon labels, but rather unconditional regardless of accomplishment or failure. There cannot be one without the other and therefore they can either be seen as two sides to the same coin or as canceling each other out. The point of bringing up the opposite of labels is not to label you as such, it is to say that perhaps you and all people are above labels and worthy of unconditional love despite labels and despite conditions.

        • You’re right in that unconditional love is essential.

          In a blog post, full context is not always going to be available.

          This post was inspired by finding a disc with hundreds of old pictures, writings, and music from my past. In my early-to-mid twenties I was about as self-actualized as a stump (no insults meant to stumps). I didn’t know about my infinite potentiality. I felt lost and directionless most of the time. But when I look back on it all, I see purpose in every step. I see how powerful and creative I was. Back then, I needed the world to tell me that I was powerful and creative, or I’d feel weak and useless. The world didn’t tell me, so I didn’t know, because I didn’t have self-love worked out in my mind and heart.

          Through self-love and self-awareness over the years, unconditional love has become a very real part of my life. Unconditional love for myself and others. The love has become so abundant, that I can’t help but see rock stars everywhere I look. People on the street, people in psychiatric hospitals, people in prison, pastors and preachers and politicians and geese and squirrels and lobsters. No one has to do anything to be considered so amazing. They don’t even have to exist…. Those who have passed away on this journey are still rock stars to me too.

          This letter to the past, tells the old me stuff I would have liked to hear back then. I hope the context is clearer now. I apologize for any defensiveness on my part; I am still learning the ropes of expressing myself compassionately no matter how I feel at the time. Thanks for this opportunity to grow.

      • Love

        “In this particular post, there is a progression. There is a, ‘Years ago, I didn’t love you since the world didn’t celebrate you. Now I love you no matter what.’ ”

        That may be what you intended to say, for which I wholeheartedly support. But in fact, what you said, seems to be, “Years ago, I didnt love you since the world didn’t celebrate you. Now I love you because I see you as amazing, bad ass, accomplished, strong, etc.”

        My query still stands: can you love yourself unconditionally without merit to prove that you are worthy of love?

        Can you feel and take in love without the gestures of being “celebrated?”

        These questions come from a place of wanting to support you as you are, for who we are is always changing. If your love is conditional upon feeling celebrated or accomplished, then does it fade when you are not feeling celebrated?

        “I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.” -Maya Angelou

        One critism of Trump is that his skin is thin and he tweets from a place of constant defense mode.

        I’d like to support you in your journey toward Presidency which begins with integrity that spawns from unconditional love.

    • If I entertain the notion of an “average” human being, I still see infinite potentiality in all life-forms. The average is infinite. When I said I don’t believe in “average” I meant I don’t believe there’s anything mundane about any one of us. How could there be? When you analyze what we are, when you tap into what we’re capable of. It’s heart-rendingly beautiful.

      When I say I don’t believe in “addicts” I mean that “addict” is a label based on former conceptions of what it means to be dependent on a substance or behavior. It’s a word that people chain themselves to, and sometimes it’s been a word that provides a needed context to help people understand their own patterns of behavior. Yet in the grand scheme of things, it’s a word that represents a former limited understanding of a concept that we can now look at through a new lens. A more effective lens.

      When I say I don’t believe in “failure”, well, how could I? Every time I ever thought I failed, I was just learning and growing stronger and more resilient. So-called failure is the impetus to so-called success. Both terms are fairly pointless.