All About the Butt

Part 17 of 30 of a series on sexuality.

Anal sex.

Hey, it’s a warm, tight hole you can put your penis into, so why not?

In my early twenties I developed an aversion to anal sex for a while, and I’ll tell you why.

Actually, damn. I have to tell two stories to get to the point. Sorry. That’s convoluted narrative, but I hope you’ll stick with me here.

The first story takes place around the time I was born. I was half circumcised. They essentially axed off the upper half of my foreskin.


Well, I don’t know. Why the hell do we cut foreskin off to begin with?

Let’s not go down that road.

Let’s stay forthright about the foreskin.

So I have half a foreskin.

My penis has a hood. Like Kenny from South Park.

Got it?

The reason that’s relevant is because when I become erect, it’s like taking off the hood. The foreskin peels back and my penis flower blossoms.

So naturally, if I go from erect to flaccid, my penis goes back into its hood.

All right. So when I was 24 or so, I was pounding some ass.

When my penis withdrew, there was a little chunk of poop on the head of my dick.

The sight of the poo unsettled me to the point of going flaccid.

My penis retreated into its hood, and took the poo with it.

Kenny was traumatized.

But actually, some of my favorite anal experiences involved my own hole.

Favorite might not be the right word.

A few years before the poop in the hood scenario, I was in a two-room hotel package in St. Ignace, Michigan, with my mom, stepdad, and grandma in the other room.

As for me, I was face down in my pillow, squealing, crying, and drooling with my butt up in the air. I was getting fingered hard with no lube in sight.

It was one of those experiences where you’re like, “Never again… probably.”

I think it was the movie Road Trip that introduced me to the possibility of orgasm through anal stimulation.

Of course, I had to experience that.

But I haven’t. Yet. Wanna give it a shot?

There are some toys designed to do the trick too.

I’ll figure it out one of these days.

Women have the G-spot.

Men have the B-spot (B is for butt, if you weren’t taking notes).

The prostate is an interesting character. Sometimes, I refer to him as the blitoris. You know, like butt clitoris.

For some reason or another, one of a man’s ultimate pleasure zones is way up his butt.

Maybe it’s God, keeping the homophobes on their toes.


I am lucky that I had some girlfriends who didn’t care about boundaries.

I can say I am fortunate, that I have had my butthole licked.

It feels good when that happens. It’s enticing in a unique way. My butt just squirmed in delight as I remembered those experiences.

Licking a rectum is not as gross as some people assume. It’s like when you kiss someone with morning breath, you know? The smell doesn’t affect the taste.

The first time I licked a pooter, I was on the bottom of a 69.

My nose was pretty much touching her butthole. Why not give it a lick? See what’s up? That’s the kind of person I am. An explorer.

Then there is an unspoken rule of reciprocation often present in some relationships, so she ended up licking my booty too.

It was awesome.

I started to notice this trend with women I dated, where they’d start the relationship saying, “No butt stuff,” and then they ended up going for my butt without me asking.

I came to the conclusion that my butt is magical.

I mean, what other explanation could there possibly be?

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