Being Worth the Effort

Once again, I’ve no idea where to start. This may be the case repeatedly over a course of time, but I will keep going.

Elegance and cohesion are not my game; digging is.

Digging into myself for something real. Something worth getting out of bed for.

The whole “getting out of bed” thing is a serious problem for me these days. I spend way too much time sleeping. I can easily sleep for twelve hours, get up to pee, then go right back to bed. That’s exactly what I did this morning. 

This could be medication-related. One of my meds, Rexulti, is known to cause sleepiness, but to this extent? I don’t know. 

I think it’s more like I am sleeping to avoid suffering and boredom, but I am not sure of that either. This is all quite theoretical. 

I do suffer, and I do get bored. One of my normal ways of dealing with that is by over-eating or power-drinking a few beers until I’m properly anesthetized. Perhaps sleep has joined the arsenal. 

But I don’t like it. It’s a problem. 

Finding healthier ways to deal with suffering and boredom seems much better. I suppose it’s more about accessing them than finding them. I’m keenly aware of things that there are to do around the house, for instance.

For some reason those things just aren’t good enough. They come with their own frustrations, which contribute to my suffering. Sleep seems like my perfectly imperfect way of dealing with that. 

I want to be awake more. I want to have a life worth waking up for. 

I need to get out more. Connect with the world more. Make new friends. Heal rifts with old ones. Be more physically active. 

Why is bed more compelling than all of that?

Simple: Bed is easy. I have gone soft. I’ve gotten lazy. 

Participating in the world takes effort. 

When I’m done writing this, I am going to go look in the bathroom mirror. Stare myself directly in the eyes. Say:

“You are worth the effort.”

Then, I’m going to prove it, and try harder today, to be the person that’s buried underneath all the suffering, boredom, and faulty coping mechanisms. 

We’ll see how it goes.

Also published on Medium.