Between a Fist and a Wet Place (Letting It Go In Public)

There’s a scene in Caddyshack, where a golfing bishop is so on fire with hole-in-ones that he can’t bring himself to take shelter during a storm.

A much less heroic version of that happened to me once in my preteen years, when I was playing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out! at a FunTyme arcade. My family was there with another family, for miniature golf, batting cages, go karts, what have you. But I was in the arcade, because that’s how I rolled.

There were two sisters roughly around my age in the family we were there with. The elder of them was one of the early loves of my life, or so I saw it at the time; I’d have built her a monument out of the liquid gold I’d have melted into if she ever would have spared me a singular fleeting peck on the cheek.

I didn’t ever think that girls had cooties.

I was thankful that many boys in elementary school did, though, because competition was never my thing.

I loved romance straight out of the box, but that didn’t mean I was smooth.

But enough about girls. I was playing Punch-Out!

And I had to pee.

But you see, I was playing Punch-Out!

I had progressed further into the game than usual. In my memories, I was fighting Mike Tyson himself in the game’s final encounter. But I dunno, I might have made that up in some piss-poor attempt to justify what happened next.

My thought process was, “I can either abandon this game and go to the bathroom, or I can surrender all in my pants and win.”

There was really only one thing to do. Standing right there in public, I urinated.

Then, I got knocked out in Punch-Out!

A hard knock life, when you pee to win, but then you lose.

On the ride home (we carpooled with the other family), I imagined that no one knew about my ordeal. As if a full load of urine in the pants could ever be a covert operation.

No one mentioned it, so no one knew, right? Is that how it works?

But hey, no regrets. I knew what was important to me and I went after it.

Would I do it again? Nah. I don’t really like Punch-Out! (I wonder why)…

But I would absolutely pee my pants a thousand times over for the well-being, prosperity, peace, and harmony of every person reading this (and every person not reading this).

If I’d do it for a stupid videogame right before a ride home with my big crush…

Then hell yeah, I’d do it for you…

There’s a metaphor in here somewhere. Not necessarily talking about pee-pee pants anymore.

So, what am I talking about?

Well, that depends.

What do you need?

Join the peaceful revolution with Andrew L. Hicks

You 2020 (2)

Sign up for free stuff and all the latest about Andrew's books, public appearances, and policies pertaining to HICKS/YOU 2020.

Instantly receive a free copy of The Art of Being Human in the eBook format of your choice (or choose 'em all, whatevs).

Spam is bollocks, and my emails are bollocks-free. Powered by ConvertKit

Also published on Medium.