Dark Night of Luke Skywalker’s Soul

Part 23 of a 30 part series called Overcoming Sexual Repression. This one is gross. Read at your own risk.

I didn’t have an orgasm in waking life until I was 15.

My girlfriend and I had rubbed each other over the clothes quite a bit for a while, especially at movies. Les Miserables, X-Files Movie, Titanic, Ever After. I equate all these films with blue balls. My balls would ache for days. I was so confused.

Then one night at my place she put her hand down my pants. I came instantly. I had no idea what was happening. I just knew it was Heaven and I never wanted it to stop, ever. I wanted to cum forever.

After our inevitable break up I discovered porn and masturbation.

And then something else happened.

Involving peanut butter.

And the dog.

It wasn’t peanut butter the first time.

It was ground beef.

Terrible idea.

Are you following me? Are you going to make me say it?

I put it in my penis. I wanted the dog to lick it off. But it was meat so she bit it.

If you’re reading this and you’re related to me or just otherwise want to barf right now, you did see the warning at the beginning, right?

So the meat didn’t work.

Peanut butter was better. The dog just licked.

I felt really badly about it. But I was so damn horny all the time. The dog didn’t seem to mind too much. If she did, I’m so sorry.

I can think of three times I did that. Then I swore, never again, and masturbated ten times a day instead.

To porn, like a decent person.

I dunno though, sometimes my porn got a little weird.

Misty from Pokémon was my favorite for a while. She’s been drawn in some pretty intriguing poses.

Rule 34 means, if something exists, there is porn of it.

That’s true 99% of the time. For the other 1%, just wait.

Sometimes I’d fap to Lara Croft. One time I paused Soul Caliber II while the camera was under Sophia’s skirt and went to town.

Once I drew a picture of two people having sex, and fapped to it.

Maybe the funniest time was when I flogged the dolphin to Song of Solomon, you know, in the Bible.

I know what a chaffed dick feels like, suffice to say.

I was relentless.

At age 18 or so I wanted to see myself cum from another perspective so I put a camcorder between my legs. Shot my load.

Terrifyingly, I have no idea where that video tape ended up. If mom is ever going through home movies…

Well, sorry, Mom.

So why bring all this stuff up anyway?

Why admit to my shameful canine peanut butter affair?

Simple: I’m not the only one who did that.

Maybe you didn’t. But someone you know did.

There’s a reason there’s a joke about “Playing the peanut butter game” with your dog. I didn’t make it up.

So why do we have to keep these things hidden?

Because people will think we’re sick?

That doesn’t fly.

I didn’t put peanut butter on my dick because I was sick.

I did it because I was desperate, confused, uneducated, and horny. I did it because I’m human and I didn’t know how to handle what was happening inside my body.

Would I do it again? No way.

Do I recommend anyone do it? Not a chance.

What I recommend is that we make sure we equip our children to understand and know how to manage their own sexuality.

As soon as kids start asking questions, that’s a sign they are ready for answers.

Don’t leave questions unanswered. It’s not fair to your kids. It’s not fair to the dog.

If I’d have understood my own sexuality I probably wouldn’t have masturbated six billion times between ages 17 and 19.

I wish I hadn’t.

I developed a lifelong habit that’s skewered my perception of sex and women.

I don’t hate pornography. But too much of anything isn’t healthy.

So, what’s your most embarrassing sexual secret?

Trying to remember if I have any more bizarre ones.

I did stick a Luke Skywalker action figure’s lightsaber up my urethra once in maybe middle school.

Some say Luke’s low point was in The Last Jedi, but no, I think it was when he was in my dick hole.

It exquisitely stung.

Just like you’d imagine a light saber would.

Also published on Medium.