Falling Short (Bed is God)

Yesterday, I talked about how my next choices were crucial. To build habitual momentum in a healthy direction, I needed to act in accordance to strengthening my neural pathways associated with healthful choices.

Alas, I didn’t really do that. 

Let me try and figure out where it went wrong. 

Well, firstly, I broke one of my own rules, and I ate when I was not hungry.

I did so because my mother had prepared my spot at the table and I did not want to offend. 

This could have been rectified with some anticipatory communication. 

Eating when I’m not hungry causes stress physically, because my digestive functions are over taxed.

It also (due to the nature of habit and momentum) makes more unnecessary eating likely.

It also causes mental stress from breaking my own rules. Dissonance between cognitive expectations for oneself and reality. 

As such, my attitude during dinner was less than pleasant. I said hardly a word, and just silently judged others for the things they said. 

After dinner, I came back down to my room, where earlier I had been intending to rearrange the furniture. 

I looked around and realized I’d lost my will and imagination. The only welcoming place for me seemed to be bed. So, I got in.

It was perhaps 6:00PM. Though I woke up several times, I easily fell back asleep in every instance until nearly 10:00AM. 

That’s around 14 hours of sleep. But it wasn’t enough. I drifted back to sleep until 1.

17 hours out of 24, sleeping. 

Just ridiculous.

Worse yet, bed still seems like the most enticing place for me. 

I do not want to face the world.

I do not want to be where I am.

And rest assured, this attitude is unhelpful. 

So, how to flip it around? 

Well, I have never slept so much in my life as I have been lately. This is not my first 17/24 hour sleep excursion within the past few weeks. There could be a medical problem behind it, and I’ll need to get it checked out if I can’t manually override the problem.

That aside, there simply is not much happening in my life. No sense of meaning or impetus for action. 

Combined with my tendency to binge eat, I’ve found myself in the worst physical shape of my life, probably just over 350lb. 

This feeds back in to the inactivity, because of low energy levels, poor endurance, pain in my body, and low self-esteem in general (not feeling presentable to the world). 

I have not worked since 2015 due to depression, anxiety, and overdependence on self-medication which also contributed to the implosion of my social life. 

Another factor of this learned helplessness I’ve found myself inhabiting, is my criminal background. It hangs over my head, preventing me from even trying to pursue employment and volunteer opportunities.

I am aware that many employers hire candidates with more severe backgrounds than myself, but these are usually in food service, an industry I have many distinct qualms with. 

Working just to work has never really made sense to me. I think I am fundamentally broken when it comes to my relationship with money, and I don’t know how to fix that. 

Plus, even when I decide to override my own neuroses in these areas, I never know when I’ll be stricken down by an anxiety attack or compulsive need to disappear from the world. 

I’m unreliable and inconsistent because of these things.

So, again. HOW TO FLIP IT AROUND.

I want to end on a positive note, damn it. 

Well, I said I never know when I’ll be stricken down by anxiety attacks when I try to function in the world.

But I never know when I’ll perform beautifully, either.

The only way to find out is to do it.

Having an anxiety attack in public isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me. Been there, done that.

Sleeping my life away is worse.

So, I definitely need to get out more. Ready or not…


Also published on Medium.