I don’t wanna be a downer

I don’t want to be a downer.

I want to generate content that uplifts and inspires.

But I also want to be authentic…

And sometimes that means I have to be a downer.

Or do I? I am not sure.

Maybe I could “fake it ‘till I make it.” Write my way to the silver lining in the storm clouds, every time, no matter what.

I have spent a lot of my life depressed. Suicidal. Hopeless. I only know a couple people who have been depressed as frequently as I have, and who are still alive.

It gets old. Maybe “faking it ‘till I make it” is a virtue. A placebo. Creating an impression or belief in my mind, and my body could follow.

Perhaps that’s my responsibility, as one dedicated to authenticity.

Otherwise, the darkness I wallow in is either a magnet to others, or for some it is a repellant. It’ll suck some people down. Others, it will drive away.

Maybe sometimes someone will be glad I was so open about my struggles. But what good is any of it without a solution in sight?

Solutions are slippery, when it comes to mental health battles. I can talk some big talk. Make promises. Vow for newness. It doesn’t always work out that way though…

My promises often make a liar and hypocrite out of me. Wishful thinking and good intentions only go so far.

So, I strive for balance. Balance between optimism and reality. To shed the delusion and figure out what’s true, what matters. What’s authentic, but also solution oriented. To write what can resonate with people suffering under the weight of their own internal enmity, but to poke a hole in the darkness. Even the slightest, little crack, for the light to come through.

So that we don’t have to wallow. We can breathe, and create space in this womb-like prison. From that space arises new possibilities. New paths. New ways.

So, if I am ever a downer, I apologize. It can be difficult, to find the best way to process and express these feelings. But I am doing my best, every day. I know you are too.