“Come on, stand up,” said my inner voice. “You’ve been lazy for long enough.”
“Right after I finish this round of Mario Kart…” I replied, also inwardly.
“Whatever,” the voice replied. “You know, you’re such an asshole lately…”
“Excuse me?” I said. “I know you want me to think that you’re my higher self or something, right? Like my higher self would call me an asshole…”
“If the shoe fits…” my inner voice quipped.
“You’re the asshole, buddy. Where do you get off?” I grunted in and at my mind.
“I want you to imagine something, ‘buddy,'” said the voice. “It shouldn’t be too hard, even for you.
“Imagine that all you want is the well-being of someone you love.
“And you know exactly how to bring about that well-being. You have a blueprint right in front of you.
“But every time you share what you know, that person goes out of their way to ignore you. They plug their ears, distract themselves in any way they can, and make a perpetual sequence of excuses for procrastinating and staying stuck.
“And I know you relate to this, for two reasons off the top of my head. Or your head. Our head. Whatever.
“1) You spend a lot of time whining about how people don’t listen to you and take you seriously enough, and sometimes you lash out and call them names. Like asshole, and worse.”
I finally interjected: “Let me stop you there. I hardly ever call people assholes. It’s a primitive insult that reflects unnecessary stigmatization of the body, and–“
“Shut it, Asshole, it’s my turn to talk,” said my so-called higher self.
“The second reason you relate to what I am saying is because I am you and you are me.
“I am just another layer of you, so any complaints you have about my tactics are complaints you have about your own tactics.
“Simple fact: I am tired of watching you sell yourself short, get fatter and more miserable, be out of alignment with our values, and then blame others for it while somehow finding a way to simultaneously beat yourself up over the whole thing.
“You’re freakin’ out of control and somebody has to stand up to you, Snowflake.
“If you want me to be nicer to you, then get your crap together. If that’s too much to ask all at once, at least acknowledge that I’m here once in a while. It gets lonely in here, being a disowned part of you.”
I sighed in shame and frustration and retorted apologetically.
“It’s fine,” the voice said. “It’s whatever. Just aspire for new shit today. Check in with me once in a while. Ask me how I’m doing. Wine and dine me. My preferences are basic: I like fruits, veggies, and lots of water. Speaking of which, you’re dehydrated AF. Drink some water.”
“All right,” I said. “Right after this round of Mario Kart.”
My inner voice sighed and went to sleep.
Also published on Medium.