Looming Shadows of Depression

For me, the shadows of depression and addiction are usually looming.

When all seems to be going well, it can be easy to forget what a short distance it is from cloud nine to the bottom of the barrel.

And no matter how much I rock my own recovery, I’m not as invincible as I like to think I am.

Sometimes, I feel pulled apart by a viscous game of tug of war. On one side, depression. On the other side, empowerment. In the middle, my soul stretched thin and flayed out. Whiplash supreme.

Sometimes, it’s preferable to just stay down for a while.

But here’s a fact.

No matter how much I suffer. No matter how many mistakes I make. No matter how many times I have to get back up.

I won’t stop doing my best to live, learn, apply, and share all the light and love I have to give.

I won’t stop believing in myself or in this bizarre world we’ve all been thrust into.

No looming storm cloud of depression can change that.

The other day a buddy and I were out for a drive. The sky was gray and dreary. My friend and I challenged each other to see the beauty in the day.

It wasn’t difficult. Those clouds were just a veil. On the other side, the sky was as serene and seemingly blue as ever. I could picture it in my mind’s eye. Could see through the veil.

My friend and I joked that it was a wedding veil. Lift it up and kiss the bride. Kiss the sky.

But truly, what’s wrong with just accepting and seeing the beauty in a gray sky of its own merit?

And as much as it sucks sometimes, there is beauty, purpose, and insight to be extracted from the gray skies of depression too.

But only if we just keep showing up. Keep doing our best, even when our best is nothing. Keep getting up and moving into the metamorphosis of everything we can become.

I believe in me. And I believe in you. Reach out for support any time.

Also published on Medium.