My Experience With Men

(Part 11 of 30 in a series on sexuality.)

During my sheltered upbringing, gay people weirded me out some.

Then in my early twenties, I got to this point where I thought I was so noble by saying, “I am OK with gay people, just as long as they don’t hit on me.”

Back then, hardly anyone was hitting on me anyway. I should have welcomed the attention.

Then one time I kissed my best friend, because we were having fun on dextromethorphan and his girlfriend kept asking us to smootch. We were rather fond of each other, so we gave each other a peck on the lips.

His lips were softer than I anticipated.

Then another time, that same friend and I were alone on top of a hill near his house. It was March of 2004. We were both feeling euphoric, and we decided to kiss again. It was totally not arousing, but extremely meaningful to me. One of the best moments of my life up until that point, honestly.

It was important, because I started to experientially transcend my homophobic upbringing.

To this day, I have not sucked a penis. Or had anyone’s penis inside me, or my penis inside of a man.

But you know what? I totally would.

I’ve come to see my sexuality as fluid. I identify as non-binary, because I see no reason in particular to identify as a male.

Classification-wise, there is a difference between sex and gender.

Sex is a physical classification. Gender is more of an emotional identification.

Some people will argue these points ’till they are blue in the face, and say there’s no difference.

But from scientific, psychological, and academic perspectives, there absolutely is a difference between sex and gender.

I have a penis and testicles, so biologically I am a male.

Emotionally and intellectually, I find it irrelevant to identify as a man when it comes to gender.

I don’t identify as a woman either.

Personally, I think gender is more of a social construct than a fact of reality.

When I search myself, I can’t find the “male” or female” in me.

I was raised in a society where men are socialized not to express their emotions.

That immediately put me on the outs with the male identification, because I am a highly emotional creature. I am also an empath, so I can feel other people’s emotions too. If I couldn’t cry whenever I wanted, I’d freakin’ explode.

I don’t think that makes me a female though, either.

I think I am a person who experiences a lot of different stuff and things.

So, I identify as non-binary. I have other reasons for this as well.

But I was talking about sucking dick.

I’d be down for it, if the mood struck.

And the mood does strike sometimes, actually. Just not so far when there are any dicks around but my own.

75% of the time, I am attracted to only women.

5% of the time, I feel ragingly attracted to men.

20% of the time, I feel straight up asexual and my penis hibernates.

Those are only rough percentages. They fluctuate. I used to say I only felt gay 2% of the time. So right now I am 3% gayer than I was a few years ago.

I have wondered before. What if I totally switch over and only like men and don’t feel attracted to women anymore? That thought actually used to disturb me, but then I realized, well if I only felt attracted to men, I’d just go with it. Adapting is my specialty.

I had a few heterosexual friendships between 2003-2008, where we were close enough to cuddle and pee together (play swords!).

Anyway. One of the best things that ever happened to me was when I became best friends with a gay guy, back in 2009.

I was picking up on him maybe liking me. He hadn’t told me he was gay yet.

One night, I came out with it really awkwardly, “Are you gay, dude? If you are, it’s totally cool. I just want you to know I am straight as an arrow.”

Turns out, he had not come out yet. He was overjoyed that I was the one who breached the topic. Through our talk that night, he was able to go on to tell his parents and others in his life.

For me, it was one of my final breakthroughs with homosexuality. It was my time to realize how incredibly fallacious it is to perceive any kind of significant difference between myself and someone with a different sexual orientation.

And through that friendship, I started to get in touch with my own bisexuality and eventually pansexuality.

Which was seriously liberating for me.

Since then, I’ve seen my gay friend go through phases of being bi, and phases of being heterosexual. It only adds to my personal mentality that sexuality and gender can be fluid concepts. I am not sure what makes them more fluid for some than for others, but that doesn’t really matter. All that matters is to respect people for their own orientations and preferences. If those things change, then respect those changes. If they change back? Keep on respecting…

If it never changes? Respect!

The other night, some fellow on OKCupid messaged me. Asked me to come over for sex. I considered it. But I was tired.

Maybe I’ll look him up one of these days. For science.

I’m a student of the human experience. I want to experience everything I can. Every new experience I have makes me more complete than I was before.

Sometimes, experiences have left me traumatized and broken.

That’s why boundaries are important. I’m an explorer, but I know and respect my own limits now more than ever.

The traumas and brokenness heal. And I get stronger. Bolder. Sexier. Maybe a little gayer.

Also published on Medium.