My Sexual Fantasy Land


Just to make it clear, though.

I want my future to be filled with sex.

How much sex?

Crazy amounts of sex.

I don’t know. Is that true? Sometimes my sex drive goes away, and I am all, “Huh. Guess it’s for the best I didn’t go with that impulse to build my sex dungeon.”

But then it comes back. And I am like, “Where is my sex dungeon.”

I am not truly “in the mood” right now, so it feels a little weird to talk about the stuff I’d be in the mood for if I were “in the mood.”

Alas, this is a time-sensitive project, and this chapter needs to happen, mood or no mood.

Like they say about inspiration. If you sit around and wait for it, you might be waiting for ages. Just get going anyway.

So now, I am going to describe to you my craziest sexual fantasies, even though I am more in the mood for videogames.

Oh, videogames.

OK, so one of my ultimate sexual fantasies is a videogame character named Rosalina. She’s one of the newer Mario characters. She is from space. She’s mysterious and compelling. Thinking about her has inspired boners from time to time. I only own one amiibo. Guess which one.

See what she does to me?

I can’t tell you, how much it would make my day to have sex with Rosalina.

“But that’s impossible, she’s not even real,” you say.

Whatever. Get an imagination.

Cosplay is a thing. Names are just made up labels. Anyone can be Rosalina.

My ideal Rosalina would have a strong resemblance to the actual character. But I am flexible and my imagination is fertile, to say the least.

I could dress as Mario. But Mario is supposed to love Princess Peach. Rosalina seems like she’s evolved beyond normal human relationships though. She’s independent, and happy and comfortable being on her own. My kind of girl.

If I were Mario, I’d go for Rosalina.

Actually, scratch that.

I’d go for Rosalina and Peach.

Because why is monogamy the default, anyway?

This isn’t just about sex.

It’s about practicality. Efficiency.

Three people will aligned goals and dreams, who have built the skill sets and principles to be a well-oiled machine? That’s a business that never closes.

It’s also about sex. Sexual synergy. New plateaus of pleasure. Tongues flapping all over the place, bodies trembling, sweat beads combining.

So, there we are. Me, Rosalina and Peach. They are pressing their boobs into each other with my dick right in the middle. Double tittyfuck. I’ll be the first to admit this does not seem not practical in any way whatsoever. And also the first to admit that when I found porn of it, I was surprised I had not thought of that beforehand.

Is my dick big enough to make the most of a double tittyfuck? Really, there’s only one way to find out.

Let’s say over the years of our polyamorous relationship, Rosalina develops a sexual attraction to Toad.

In my fantasy world, Rosalina is free to be attracted to whoever she wants. She’s free to act on those attractions. She’s free to go make babies with other people. She’s free to leave me and never come back without it being dramatic.

But she’s like, the love of my life, so how can that be?

Well, exactly that. I love her. I want her to be free. I want her to be whole. I want her to experience everything that calls out to her heart.

And I want those same freedoms for myself.

So for a while, Rosalina and Toad shack up, and Peach and I get cozy with Wario. Peach has a long-time fascination with double penetration. Just ask the dark side of the Internet.

Wario starts to grow on me. I appreciate how comfortable he can just let farts rip in public. No shame. Such a stand up guy.

If I had never warmed up to Wario, there are certain thoughts and feelings I never would have had. Some of those thoughts are exciting, compelling, and healing. And I love the way he tilts his head to the side when I tell him how beautiful he is.

What if I’d spent my whole life just dedicated to Rosalina in a monogamous relationship? She wouldn’t be experiencing the magic of Toad, and I’d be deprived of a good farting buddy.

After a few years, Toad and Rosalina ask if they can move in with Wario, Peach, and me.

So we do that.

All of us, work together as a team.

“Stop it, Andrew, or Mario, or whoever you are,” someone says. “This is stupid. What about jealousy? What about interpersonal drama? What about PROBLEMS?”

Hey. It’s my fantasy, OK? Let’s keep it in perspective.

Together, the four of us come up with some of the craziest sexual stuff you’ve ever thought of.

It’s all respectful, consensual, and liberating.

We make a lot of babies, of course.

Everyone takes excellent care of each other, because everyone is loved and valued. Everyone is taken care of.

Maybe our family keeps growing forever. Maybe we don’t keep track. We just wake up every day and do our best for ourselves and the planet. We live and we love.

Characters from other games and movies are allowed to come, too. Real people too, I guess.

We’ll all create things and be in harmony. And be naked a lot, because if you forget to put on pants no one notices or cares.

We fully explore who we are as individuals, so that we can provide the most value to everyone else.

When we’re authentic, we can shine bright. When we’re empowered to be ourselves to the fullest extent, we become sparkling beacons of wonder.

Together, we keep growing. Evolving. Innovating. Perfecting.

And fucking like rabbids.


Also published on Medium.