Do you know how easy it would be?
I’d love to back out of my financial transparency experiment.
And not tell you what I did with my money this past week.
See, part of the purpose of financial transparency is accountability.
I thought I’d make better decisions, because some people are watching…
Spoilers: It didn’t work.
Better luck next week.
On the bright side, there’s no money left to splurge. Strangely, that’s a relief…
I was going to accurately track all income and expenses over the week, and report it.
I lost track somewhere along the line, though.
It was a rough week mentally. Low motivation levels. Head in a fog.
I remember though, Monday was a solid day.
I mowed a lawn. Made $10.
On Tuesday, which I can barely remember at this point, I derailed.
Spent all my food stamps (don’t get more until May 7).
Got some cheap beer.
Yeah. Instead of go to SMART Recovery like I said I was going to, I drank cheep beer.
A sad but predictable irony.
Oh, and I lied. I told my mom (who I live with) that I was mistaken about there being a SMART meeting on Tuesday, that I had been confused.
I wasn’t confused. I just didn’t want to talk about why I failed to go.
Then I missed my counseling appointment on Wednesday.
To get into the reasons why would be too far outside the realm of this post.
I have some shit I’m working through. Maybe I’ll delve into that later in another post, if you’re curious.
So I failed at my two goals for the week (SMART and counseling).
And last night, I had some more cheap beer. Even cheaper than usual. It tasted like pee.
And some movie theater candy. I didn’t go to the movies. They sell it for super cheap at the store.
Binge-eating on candy only is a new one for me. It was pretty gross.
Thankfully, I’ve been developing some more insight into these disturbing behaviors, and coming up with some ideas for how to counteract this problem.
I still have my receipt from Tuesday.
With my food stamps, I spent $17.13 (out of $19.41 available) on junk food.
This included soda, hot pockets, sandwiches, cottage cheese, and nutty bars.
Random: I like to dip nutty bars in cottage cheese.
Side note: I once went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, where we weren’t supposed to actually mention the specific foods we binged on.
Possibly because it may trigger others to indulge in their own cravings. I’m not 100% sure.
If I ever negatively affect you by mentioning specifics, please let me know. So I can change the way I do things.
For now, I feel this transparency is vital. It’s liberating in a way.
Because for as transparent as I’ve been in life, I have never until now told anyone that I scoop up cottage cheese on nutty bars.
My vices like to hide in the dark. This light makes them feel exposed. I like that.
But if it’s no good for you, I can just write about this in private. Or do trigger warnings or whatever. So, let me know.
Along with the food stamps on Tuesday, I used up most of what was in my checking account ($6.34).
Which I don’t even like.
But I drink it anyway.
So that was Tuesday.
The rest of the week is a blur, and I don’t have all my receipts.
I can’t even tell you what I did throughout most of the week.
Pretty sure I didn’t drink again until last night though. Because I didn’t have any money until then…
Is this all quite depressing?
I feel pretty low right now.
But my goal is to write. About what’s real.
To me, this is what’s real right now.
Moving forward, I will make a concerted effort to document all transactions, incoming and outgoing.
When the fog gets thick, I’ll bring a flashlight.
I don’t really know how much flashlights help in thick fog.
But you get the idea, probably.
So here’s where I’m at as of today:
(I have +$40.44 pending, from book sales, and another few dollars pending from the Amazon affiliate program)
Savings: $7.38 ($2.38 available)
(+$1.69 from last week, because of my credit union’s rewards program)
Google Wallet: $0
Food stamps: $1.42
My bills are the same as before. $49.05 for my gym membership and email list.
As I’m sure you can imagine, I haven’t been utilizing my gym membership. I’ve thought about buying out of the contract.
Or maybe I’ll just start going to the gym more.
Or maybe I’ll become a monk and never be heard from again.
You just never know with me.
I just never know with me either.
One thing I do know.
I’m going to keep doing my best.
To get my head screwed on straight.
To overcome financial failure.
To pull my head out of my ass.
And make a life that works.
Until then, enjoy the freak show.
Also published on Medium.