For me, there is little more disconcerting than seasons in my life in which I just cannot express myself.
I rely on self-expression not only as a form of communication with others, but as a way for me to discover and comprehend myself.
I know I’m in trouble when there isn’t a single word I can conjure in writing, to accurately convey information about my current position to myself or others.
There are a number of reasons that my writing has slowed down throughout 2018.
Some reasons are apparently chemical. Perhaps due to depression, and perhaps also because of some of the medications used to treat that depression.
I hit a major wall when I was hospitalized in March after a psychotic episode of sorts. They put me on anti-psychotics because I was acting psychotic, but the psychosis was a temporary state induced by using DXM in a highly stressful situation.
The pills seemed to drain me quite considerably of creative force, and left me a husk of myself.
Quitting those pills was not unlike kicking heroin from what I understand, and it was one of the least favorable experiences of my life. When it was over, I felt empty and brittle inside for a period of several months.
During that time, I was embarrassed for having to abandon the HICKS/YOU 2020 presidential campaign. From that state of lifelessness, I couldn’t relate to the vigorous person I was when that campaign launched and began to build.
I was also frustrated, because I had written so consistently for more than a year, and was not getting the results I wanted or expected.
I self-published five books in just over a year, but didn’t know how to market them, so sales were abysmal.
These frustrations combined with my creative emptiness, and drought ensued.
I still have yet to recover from that, and find myself in a period of deep self-searching.
As stated, writing has been valuable to me in the past, as a method of self-searching, and it is a method that I am now relying upon to help reveal a path forward.
Words are beginning to flow again; I just don’t have a vision. My intention is to return to daily blogging now, and to see what vision develops from there.
And so once again, I am writing to save my own life.
Also published on Medium.