Now, Addiction Ends Forever
I have a confession to make.
See, all these years I’ve been telling myself and telling others that my deepest, most hopeless problem is my battle with addiction.
My confession is that this whole time, I’ve known inside that there was nothing wrong with my use of DXM. What I mean when I say there was nothing wrong with it is that:
1. My use of it was not destroying my body and my mind, no matter what messages to the contrary I received from the grand majority of voices in my life
2. From the beginning of my DXM use, I knew in my heart of hearts that the drug was equipping me, in ways I did not know how to describe, to transform my world into the real, authentic life of my dreams
3. Regardless of societal stigma and legislative taboo, there is nothing inherently wrong or destructive with the personal choice to use drugs.
Yet we live in a society that’s ripe with the taboo of drugs. Our culture has warred against drugs to the ends of the earth, and labeled people who use them as criminals, junkies, and vagabonds.
And through the darkest nights of my life, I let the world tell me that I was an addict and that my love for DXM was immoral, perverted, and wrong. I took that guilt to bed with me each night, and woke up each day resisting myself a little more, abhorring myself a little more, dying inside just a little bit more.
But through the guilt and shame, I possessed a deep inner knowing that I was not misguided in my drive to use this drug to fuel my mortal coil.
What of this inner knowing though? The contrast between what I knew was the truth for me and what society told me was right for me could not have been more dissonant. The tears, the cutting words, the pierced veins and screaming nights of those years were enough to push me to and beyond the precipice of death time and time and time again.
The pain in my family, the loss of friendships, the rejection of lovers. The blackest nights, kicking, screaming, punching, wounding, destroying, obliterating.
This heart that has been pressed down to micro dust and then revived again, only to be decimated. Again. And again. And again. And to love the world which could only be assumed would never reciprocate, but to love her anyway, for what choice was there for me?
I was born to love
I am here to love the ants and snakes and creatures of the night, and the fish and sharks and behemoths that exist beneath the light.
I was put here to love people of every color and every inclination. Gay and straight and in between and beyond, and those that think they have nothing, and those that want to have everything. I am here to love those who murder and steal and rape, who destroy nations and create victims.
To hold on to love like that is impossible, but even the impossible is possible in this world and in this time.
We’re here to hold the vision of this love to walk us into a new era, so completely unlike this last.
Nothing is impossible, because impossible is only a word that people use to nurse their wounds after they quit.
All throughout history, everything was once considered impossible, and look at us now. Look at what we’re doing, how far we’ve soared! Open your eyes and see the miracles in our computers and our science and our flights across the world and into space! Can’t you sense the miracles in your own bodies, and the world around you which manifests to your thoughts and prayers?
How can one possibly consider that these wonders will cease to continue on through infinity and back as they always have?
Don’t you see, my loves, my every One of you?
A time will come and soon, when people will look back on our differences with as much humor as we now look back on such concepts as the earth being flat. They’ll look back on war and wonder how it was ever possible. The ideals that have been clung to so violently for so long will be dismissed as foolish, primitive, archaic.
You see, world peace is coming.
And in my heart right now, it is already here.
Can you feel it in these words? Can you feel these words in your heart? Will your heart answer this call?
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