Why I’m Running for President of the United States of America

As I write these words, my eyes burn tightly and vision blurs slightly.

Because I am tired. Physically. These past few days have been a mad dash of launching a political campaign with my sights on the highest office in the nation.

The office of the president of the United States of America.

It’s worth having heavy eyes for. It’s worth whatever it takes.

This is, as my friend Jory calls it, the building of true grit.

Grit is not what I am known for, or maybe it is.

I have not had grit when it comes to holding jobs or tolerating awkward social situations or tough romantic relationships. Up until relatively recently, I have been known for my proclivity to run.

No one wants a president who runs. But this story isn’t finished yet.

I am known for my grit to survive inner turmoil and hell.

I have survived depression, alienation, abandonment, critical rejection, and stigmatization. I have survived being on the edge of suicide more times than I can count on all my fingers, toes, and teeth. I have survived addiction, overdoses, homelessness, heartbreak, pneumonia, anphylactic shock, falling a solid twenty feet out of a tree, and the ending to How I Met Your Mother.

(Actually, I haven’t even seen that show.)

I am still here. Every time I fell down, I got back up. Every time I fucked up, I owned up to it and fixed it. I have never been afraid to say I am sorry or I love you. My heart has never been so hard that I haven’t been able to find space to forgive others for their blunders.

I am resilient, and I am a learning machine. A trial embracer. A hopeful romantic, and an idealist.

Everything is a lesson. Every occurrence in life is a chance to get better.

And I have gotten better, every time.

This is not arrogance. This is confidence. This is self-awareness, and self-awareness is perhaps my greatest skill of all.

Combine self-awareness with my belief that we’re all inherently one, and my awareness of self becomes awareness of you. It becomes empathy. It means that self-preservation means protecting and empowering other people. It means protecting and empowering our planet and all its lifeforms.

Let me retrace a few steps, and go back to how no one wants a president who runs.

If you look at my employment history, you’ll see train wreck after train wreck.

But why did I fail so many times? What was getting in the way?

I have asked myself that for so many years, and finally found the answer.

I couldn’t work within the system, because I could not tolerate the incongruities and inequities of capitalistic America. My whole life, I’ve seen contradictions everywhere I look. And people said, “There is just a certain way we do things.” And people got in line.

But not me. Never. Any time I ever got in line was doomed to be short-lived.

Because I need a system and society that make sense.

I need a culture of equality, fairness, and coherency.

Double standards and hypocrisy can go straight to hell.

I have existed thirty-six years on this planet refusing to tolerate mediocrity. And I will never believe anyone who tells me that is a shortcoming. Not anymore.

Do you see? My life has gone full-circle. I have gone through bitter defeat, and come back refined and razor sharp. I am a blade worthy of battle with every ultimate nemesis.

But, sweet citizens of the world, my blade does not kill.

My blade does not bleed.

My blade cuts through delusion, not through flesh.

I am a protector of flesh and a celebrator of life and peace.

I am a harbinger of harmony and unification.

And I am you.

Together, we’re all the president of the United States.

I will hear and protect your voice. I will speak for those who cannot speak. I will lift up those who cannot stand. I will be the eyes of the blind and the ears of the deaf. I am the health of the sick and the life of the dead.

The truth is, I have known my whole life that this day would come.

I often doubted myself. I often obscured my own ambitions in self-loathing and insecurity.

But deep down, I knew.

If you were to go and interview everyone I have ever talked to, you would hear countless versions of the same theme.

Almost every person I’ve ever intimately confided in knows that I have always felt like I was supposed to do something important to change life for everyone in the world.

So, in a way, my journey to presidency should not come as much of a shock to those who know me well.

And brilliantly, no one I have talked to seems shocked at all.

Reactions range from, “Go for it, at least you’re not Trump,” to, “I believe in you, Mr. President.” Every single friend I have told of my plans has been warm and supporting of this cause.

To quote one of my favorite bands, KMFDM:

“The ultra-heavy beat is going strong/If it feels this good, then it can’t be wrong.”

I am the ultra-heavy beat, and I will keep on pounding my ass off all the way to Washington and beyond.

I will be with and guide the world as we go explore further into the frontiers of outer space.

Together, we will witness a new revolution in technology and realize new definitions for what we know is possible.

We’ll see things we used to never dare think could be real. Miracles of the highest order.

We’ll redefine our ethics and align ourselves with our values, so that we don’t have to destroy ourselves over guilt and dissonance over our choices.

“This is our world.

These are our people.

You can live for yourself today, or help build tomorrow for everyone.”

I believe that quote is by Ronan Harris of VNV Nation. He is an angel of a man, and I hope you’ll check out his work if you don’t know it already.

As a final note for now, please come to me with any and all concerns you have. I am here to help.

I hope by now you understand a few of my unique qualifications for Commander-in-Chief. I will listen to your questions and do my best to answer them.

Thank you all, and goodnight.


Also published on Medium.